Peeved

Ok, I don't get it. Why are all the art pieces nowadays so morbid and pessimistic? I understand you want to make a point that we can't depend on the superheroes now, and maybe, to even stretch it a little, sending a message about global warming. Does it need to be place right in middle of public spaces?

I believe people express their joy, sadness, sorrows, hope, hopelessness through art, sculpture, paintings, but do you need to place this particular morbid one right in the middle of the city where our iconic National Art Museum is? It is just disturbing walking past this everyday.

"Nobody can save us now" man.....

Art like this should be place inside museums where people can choose for themselves whether they want to indulge in those thought (negative or not)-provoking pieces, not in public place like this. We have enough to think about in life and it would be nice if we can think happy walking through the garden city of Singapore.

I whined and then I realized.

There are always good days and bad days in teaching, and boy, does it fluctuate. Today was one of those bad days. It ain’t that bad, but it still left me pretty drained and once again, disillusioned.

I sent a really thick binded copy of materials for printing about 2 days ago. Today, we scrambled all over the school trying to retrieve it because we were requested to complete some stuffs by like, today. -.- So we went to the original printing room, couldn’t find it. Went to the office, asked the office lady A, was told to ask the OM instead, who then told us to go back to original office lady A, who finally confessed that it was with another office lady at the science lab. We finally managed to get the book, and we realized with much amusement and mirth that all along, that book was not 10m away from us, while we ran all over the place to get it. That is bureaucratic red tape for you, what you need is always so near, yet so far.

And the very day, after this saga, I ran around looking for a scanner in school. Went to the third level, scanner was spoiled, told to go to the general office instead. And guess what, I saw the scanner, but the scanner was connected to the computer that belong to this lady who was not around. And for some ludicrous and those “security” reason, I can’t access it because she wasn’t around. *curses, honestly*

What’s the deal with all these meaningless protocols that doesn’t get things done? I really can’t fathom! :(

I shall continue to whine about this thing we were tasked to do within 24 hrs. It all got us to this boiling point where A told us, we should swear that we will never do this to our trainees next time. B and me agreed. Doing this ever to our future trainees will most definitely give us karma.

++

Anyway now that I've calmed, I felt pretty guilty about being an axe (One month to live, Kerry & Chris Shook)

Remember the "particle process": "We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials for we know hat they are good for us - they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady."

There is SO MUCH I need to improve on.

:(

How can we inspire the those kids when we abhor the very things we ask them to do?
I hated the people who make me do it to them, I hated the people doing it to them, I hated myself for making them do it anyway.
damn. :(

A Balancing Act

Where is the line drawn between being strict and firm versus nauseatingly demanding, and fierce, and where is the line between indulging and impartial. It is tough doing the balancing act.

I tried that today, it worked out pretty well, although I'm sure there is definitely some of them who probably hate my guts.

I got the entire class to stand until there was complete silence, and when anyone make any noise, I will make them stand for an additional 5 minutes, and if it extends beyond their dismissal time, so be it.

It actually worked!! I was pretty psyched, at the same time I really hated this entirely foreign feeling. I felt pretty bad about getting them to stand like this, and possibly having them hate me. Yes I know, as teachers, we shouldn't expect to be liked and if need be, we should do it even if they hate us for it.

So anyway, halfway through I felt really bad about it, but I knew I couldn't just relent. So as long as there was about 2 mins of complete silence, I decreased the time they have to stand. I wrote the time on the board to show them I meant business.

And I slowly allowed the certain rows who had been quiet to sit down.

But anyway, for the last 20 mins, itchy mouth me told them you can talk, but keep the volume down.

And chaos ensued.

Strangely, I didn't regret it. :)

Fulfilled

Don't ask what the world needs.

Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.

Because what the world needs

is people who have come alive.

- Howard Thurman

How heartening it is to know I am doing what I'm meant to do for now. :)

Is it everything you dream that it will be?

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead,

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

Are you exhausted from trying to control your own (and other's) life?

I am.

And today I learnt once again that this is not how its meant to be. We get to live our lives yes, but there's a bigger force at work who know what is going on. We are not meant to control every single trajectory. Look around you, there are people who gone vegan thinking they will be healthy for as long as they could, keep cancer free, smoke free, alcohol free, but the next thing you know, you heard they've got lung cancer, stomach cancer and the likes. There are simply so much that are out of our control!

I acknowledged it now. I wouldn't say from now on, I am going to live my life with resignation and helplessness, rather I will live it liberated. The key is knowing that all you need to do is to focus on giving your best, and all else will be given. Roll with what life has to offer, where life want to place you. Sure, you can appeal for a change, you can requests, you can beg even! After that, if all else fail, move on. Have fun anyway, plan a good lesson, do your best even if everyone else is evaluating you.

The beauty of this is when you know doing your best is enough, and if its not enough by the world's standard (Which is of course, as subjective and unpredictable as anything in the world), know that its ok! If your best here is not enough, then perhaps this is not the best place to be.

Let it go, find another pasture, go with courage and faith. Go, without fear.

I won't give up

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in.

Bureaucratic red-tapes, superiors/colleagues choosing to cover their asses aside, wayangstunts and all, sometimes we just have to roll with it. No, not acquiesce, but an understanding and acceptance that human aren't perfect and we're all living in a system run by humans. Yet while we accept, we don't give up the principles and values we hold so close to us. They are like an anchor in the mad world. A form of consistency for some shreds of sanity and hope.

Some choose to react strongly against it, at times, going the extreme of judging (authority, colleagues, even friends or family) harshly which ultimately got them all jaded and cynical. And who gets to benefit in the end? No one.

Because sometimes judging others and mulling over others' faults distracts you from the race you're running. Not to mention, sometimes, it stumbles others in their race too!

They do that, and while you may feel indignant or angry, perhaps it might be good at times to just pause and try to understand their actions from their positions. We are all just trying to function in an imperfect world. Don't give up on the potential of the goodness in people, give them a second chance. Don't choose to behave the same way you abhor years ago simply because you realized now it's easier that way. Don't let our pride get in the way.
Focus on giving our best in our work, continue to hold true to your beliefs and values, enjoy your life the way it is anyway, don't let all the nasty stuffs get you down.

Run the race, straight to the goal you've headed out for. Sometimes we fail, terribly, but don't give up. Don't let yourself say: "Oh heck, since I'm down already, there's no point anymore." And don't put others down or fault them relentlessly. Complain if you need to, but get back to it and continue to believe. Lastly, be stupid if you need to. :P

"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it." Mark 8:36